How To Get Your Girlfriend Back
by Dean Cortez, co-author of The Alpha Rules
Here's an email we received from one of our readers, on the subject of how
to get your girlfriend back. Keep reading for some very powerful tips and
strategies on CHANGING the way your ex-girlfriend views you, and making her
EAGER to get you back in her life...
* * * * *
Hi Dean & Carlos. I loved reading the book you wrote: "The
Alpha Rules," and
I've been amazed by your solutions for guys who want to achieve massive self-confidence
and game. Now I have a question for you.
A few months ago, I met a girl who is a hostess at a restaurant in my town. She's extremely cute, and cool, and I asked her out and we had a great time. We really seemed to hit it off. We started seeing each other, and everything was going great, except for the fact that she didn't want to get intimate with me. The one time I tried to kiss her, she explained to me that she wanted to "take things slow," because she was getting over a really bad breakup.
I figured I could wait for the sex. With her, I knew it would be worth it, and I had to respect the fact that she had recently broken up with a world-class jerk who had put her through emotional hell. (The guy cheated on her with her best friend!)
Anyway, I spent a lot of nights hanging out with her at her apartment, listening to her problems and trying to help her get over her ex. She was also having financial problems (I loaned her money to cover her rent last month -- still waiting to get paid back), and she had all kinds of drama with her family, too...
I tried my best to be supportive. When she would call me in the middle of the night, because she needed someone to talk to, I would spend an hour or two listening and sympathizing.
Then one night on the phone, she told me that she loved me. I asked her if this meant I was her boyfriend, and she said "yes."
But still, she kept making excuses why she didn't want to have sex. I kept being patient, and trying to help her with her problems, and then one day she didn't return my phone call. Three days went by before I finally was able to get her on the phone. Her tone of voice was totally different. She was cold and distant. She got off the phone after only a few minutes, and later that night, I received an email from her.
She told me that she'd decided to get back with her ex-boyfriend. She said how sorry she was, and told me I was an amazing, great guy who deserved someone as wonderful as I am...blah blah...but I just felt PISSED OFF for wasting so much time and energy on nothing.
Then, a few days later, I got another email. She told me she was "so confused." She said she really did love me, but she wasn't sure what to do. She asked me if I would give her one more chance.
I really have feelings for this girl and I want to try to patch things up, and get the relationship moving in the right direction. So, do you have advice on how to get your girlfriend back? Or, should I just move on?
- Adrian, Vancouver
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Dean Cortez here with some hard-core Alpha advice...
You, Adrian, wound up in the Friend Zone. This is a common situation with men who are trying to follow the "normal" rules with women. (In other words, being nice, sweet, respectful, and following her lead... )
Because let's be honest. Is any guy ever satisfied having a female "friend" to talk to, when what he really wants from her is sex? No, of course not.
And it's only a matter of time before she meets some other guy who DOES make her feel sexually attracted, and once they start hooking up she'll no longer have any need to hang out with you. (Or, in your case, she goes BACK to the guy she had strong sexual feelings for.)
Do you really need female friends to talk to and share your problems with? No. You've got your buddies to fill that role in your life, and they can relate to you much better than a chick that makes you feel taken advantage of, and sexually frustrated.
So let me give you my Top 6 tips for busting out of the Friend Zone and getting women sexually interested in you. I can give you advice on how to get your girlfriend back, and if you really think she's worth the trouble, you can use these tips to "re-ignite" your relationship with her.
1. Limit your availability. I'm willing to bet that whenever this girl does call you, you eagerly answer the phone and chat with her for as long as she wants.
You THINK that when you spend two hours on the phone with her, sharing your life stories and telling her about the girl who broke your heart when you were in the tenth grade, you're building some kind of deep "connection" with her.
But what you're actually doing is removing ANY sense of mystery about yourself, and letting her know that you have nothing else going in your life... and no other women. This is massively UN-attractive to her.
(I know that when you're a man who is struggling with his dating life, and haven't hooked up with a chick in a while, this takes a LOT of discipline. Your instinct is to make yourself totally available to her and try to spend as much time as possible with her. Well, go ahead and keep doing it this way, if you want to keep wondering why women lose interest in you... )
2. Until you've slept with a woman, limit your phone chats with her to five minutes. And don't get caught up in constant text-messaging. Give her the sense that you're a busy man with places to be.
Use these short phone calls, or text exchanges, to lock down your plans to see her again. Save the deep conversations for when you are actually spending time with her.
3. Women are moody and emotional. Get used to it, and know how to deal with it. When she start acting weird or distant, she is testing you. She wants to see how you will respond. Do you kiss her ass and ask her "what's wrong?" Do you get
frustrated and angered by her behavior? (Either of these responses will only make her get more moody!)
Or, do you behave like a firm, direct MAN? (Tell her, "Well, I can tell you've got some things on your mind right now, so why don't you take some time to sort it out and get back to me. I've got some things I need to handle right now.")
4. Her ex-boyfriend is irrelevant. Women commonly use the excuse, "I got out of a bad relationship recently, I don't know if I'm ready for someone new, I don't want to get hurt again," etc.
It's all crap, basically. The truth is, if she met a confident, attractive Alpha Man RIGHT NOW who made her feel a sexual connection, she'd forget about her ex-boyfriend in about 2.3 seconds.
TRUST ME on this ;)
Here's an important tip on how to get your girlfriend back. When she talks about her ex, and how she's "not ready," what she really means is that you're not making her feel attraction, and so she's testing you to see what kind of man you are.
You need to put her in a positive, fun state of mind and keep her there. When she thinks of you, she should think of fun times and feeling good about herself.
The last thing you want to do is allow her to dwell on her ex-boyfriend and be her "shoulder to cry on." If she ever mentions him, change the subject.
And never refer to him by name because it only aggravates her emotional state. (Instead, refer to him as "that guy." Make him seem irrelevant and insignificant.)
HER: "I guess I'm just in a bad mood today because it would have been my third anniversary with my ex, John..."
YOU: "Well it sounds like *that guy* didn't appreciate you the way he should have, and it's his loss. I'm just glad we're getting to know each other, because I can tell there's a lot more to you than meets the eye. So tell me more about ________"
(Change the subject onto something that gets her in a positive, talkative mood.)
5. Never confess your attraction to her, or try to engage her in a conversation about being her "boyfriend" now. Women interpret this as a sign of weakness. You've been taught by the media that woman want a soft, sensitive guy who isn't afraid to confess his feelings. Actually, the opposite is true. She needs to know you are a strong, emotionally secure and confident MAN.
Once you've got a sexual relationship going with her, and she's bonded to you, feel free to be a sweet, loving boyfriend and do all of the romantic things that drive her wild. But until then, you've got to play it cool.
6. Finally, be willing to "man up" and walk away. If for whatever reason she just can't sort out her feelings, cut her loose. Trust me, if you were involved with two or three OTHER women right now, you wouldn't have the time or the interest to play games with some chick who can't make up her mind.
When you have multiple options, you will ALWAYS feel confident and in control.
Don't make the mistake that most guys make, and place "all of your eggs in one basket."
Once a woman has mentally placed you in "The Friend Zone," it's difficult to change her feelings towards you. Ideally, you never want to her to view you as her platonic, non-sexual "buddy" in the first place. This is why when you do meet up with women for a date, you've got to take things in a sexual direction.
This doesn't mean you have to sleep with women by the third date, or by the end of the first month. There is no specific "time frame" for this. But you MUST establish some physical contact and make her feel that you're a sexual
possibility for her.
In our book The Alpha Rules, we explain the concept of Escalation, and how subtle body contact can progress "naturally" to intimacy and sex. Women love sex and intimacy as much as men do -- maybe even MORE so. But you need to lead her down this path. You can't take a passive role and expect her to initiate it.
On a final note, a lot of guys ask me about how to get your girlfriend back. In a lot of cases -- and this may apply to you, Adrian -- the guy is better off chalking it up as a learning experience, and moving on. You've got to believe in ABUNDANCE. A woman who is a needy "drama queen," always absorbed in her own problems, often cannot be "fixed." This is her nature.
Some men are drawn towards dramatic, high-maintenance women. But Alpha Men don't play this game. When you've mastered the 21 Rules in our book, you'll honestly believe that you have a limitless universe of fun, sexy, exciting women out there for you to meet and date.
Most importantly, you will have HIGH STANDARDS. You won't spend your precious time, energy and money on women who bring problems into your life. You will only associate with high-quality women who IMPROVE your lifestyle.
So, as for the question of how to get your girlfriend back, I've laid out some essential tips for getting her to view you in a new, "Alpha" light that will make her feel ATTRACTION instead of AFFECTION. How you use them is up to you...just remember, you might very well meet the REAL woman of your dreams in the near future.
And, armed with The Alpha Rules, you'll know exactly how to attract her and build a totally positive, healthy relationship with her -- founded on her respect for YOU as an Alpha Man.
The Alpha Rules
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