Alpha Rules Newsletter
The Rule of Reciprocity - Part 2
Dean & Carlos' Desk - Thursday, 10:03 PM:
OK, so in our last newsletter we explained the Rule of Reciprocity: a powerful sales technique that plays on our nature as human beings. Basically, the Rule states that when you give something to someone for “free,” they’re going to feel obligated to do something for you in return.
There are many ways to apply this Rule to women, and to make them feel “indebted” to you (in a good way). But the Rule BACKFIRES on guys who spend too much, too soon, on women they are just getting to know.
A student of ours, Gary, recently returned to the dating scene after breaking up with his girlfriend. He’s a smart, funny, decent-looking guy. He didn’t have a problem with meeting new girls, getting phone numbers, and lining up dates.
But Gary had a pattern of being blown off by girls AFTER the first or second date. He always thought these dates went fairly well, and he thought he was laying solid groundwork. He fully expected to see the girls again.
But time after time, when trying to line up the second or third date, he ran into resistance. The girls wouldn’t return his calls, or they would make up an excuse about how “busy” they were, or they would hit him with the dreaded line, “I really like you as a friend, but I just don’t feel that way about you.” (Which is chick-speak for, “you might as well give up, buddy, there’s no way in hell I’m sleeping with you.”)
So, we asked Gary to tell us what his idea of a typical date consisted of.
He told us about his most recent effort, with a girl named Mandy. On the first date, he spent $100 taking her to lunch at a nice sushi restaurant. On the second date, he took her to dinner and a movie. He chose one of the best Italian restaurants in town, ordered them a bottle of wine, and spent $250 on the evening.
At the end of the night she only gave him a hug goodnight, but Gary didn’t mind. He figured he was laying the groundwork for a relationship. This girl was HOT, he told us, and he was trying to play it cool.
But after that, when he called her to schedule date #3, she told him she was “really busy” and wouldn’t be able to see him that week. So he called her the week after that and left a message.
Two weeks later, and she still hasn’t called him back.
Gary was confused, disappointed, and pissed off. He was racking his brain trying to figure out if he did something wrong. It just didn’t seem to make sense.
“You’d think she would be appreciative!” he complained to us. Gary knew that her ex-boyfriend had been some broke chump, His idea of “dining out” was taking her to Taco Bell. And now along came Gary, taking her to fancy restaurants, spending money on her…you would think she would be grateful, right?
He was actually making women feel UNCOMFORTABLE by spending that type of money and showering such attention on them.
Let's put it this way: Have you ever gone out for a meal with an acquaintance (not a close friend), and at the end of the meal, they grabbed the check and insisted on paying? It’s a pretty hefty bill, and you expected you would be splitting the cost. But they insisted on paying, and wouldn’t take your money.
When someone does this for us, we feel appreciative, but we also feel slightly uncomfortable—because we feel indebted. You feel like you want to buy THEM a meal, or something, as soon as possible.
Owing someone is an uncomfortable feeling.
This is where Gary went wrong. He was spending hundreds of dollars on a girl he was just getting to know. He thought he was impressing her with his generosity, but it had the opposite effect. After that $250 date, she gave him a hug goodnight and got out of there, because the fact that Gary was spending that much money on her made her feel uncomfortable.
When a guy shells out a substantial amount of money on a first or second date, and he hasn’t hooked up with the girl yet, it will backfire on multiple levels.
She’s thinking: “Gosh, if he’s spending this much money on dinner, he probably expects me to put out at the end of the night…”
Or she’s thinking: “There’s no way I’m sleeping with him tonight. If I do, he’ll think I can be bought and paid for.”
Meanwhile, HE is thinking: “I better get more than a kiss on the damn cheek after all this. She just ordered a $40 entrée.”
And so, underneath the pleasant dinner conversation, neither person is totally comfortable with the situation because it’s been burdened with uncommunicated expectations.
As an Alpha Man, you must always keep a woman in her comfort zone. You never want her to think you EXPECT anything. You are, after all, a man with a lot of options. You want the send the message that she needs to impress you if there’s going to be another date on the horizon.
Spending more than $50 on a first or second date, or taking women to elaborate places suggests that you are the one trying to impress. It also telegraphs your interest, and when you do this, women no longer view you as a challenge.
So instead of taking her to dinner on a first date, meet up for a drink or coffee. Hang out. Let her get comfortable with you, stimulate her attraction triggers, and work the process (as we explain in our book The Alpha Rules). She'll lower her guard as a result and you'll have a much more REAL connection.
Once you’ve gotten intimate with each other, and you’ve decided she might be a “keeper,” that is when you can take her to dinner at a nice restaurant. Think of it as “rewarding” her.
When it comes to spending cash on women—whether it’s paying for a drink at the bar, or buying an expensive gift for a girl you’re in a relationship with — always view it as a reward. She has earned it because she has proven herself worthy of your time and money. This is your new Alpha Mindset.
And any woman that acts entitled to thse benefits is a woman you do NOT want in your life. One year with a gold-digging woman is more painful than fifty years of being alone, trust us.
By creating a sense of “no expectations,” and refusing to play the game by the conventional rules (i.e. courting women, wining and dining them), you set yourself apart from the rest of the low-rank chumps that she's trying to avoid.
Make her feel the need to impress YOU. (In The Alpha Rules book, we teach a number of methods, including “Qualifiers,” to make this process simple and effective.)
You, after all, are an Alpha Man. And they’re in very short supply.
To learn more, download your copy of The Alpha Rules. This resource provides a complete, step-by-step approach to achieving a powerful personal transformation.
First, you’ll develop an unstoppable mindset and reframe your belief systems about yourself…and about women. Then, you’ll learn the specific tactics that will enable you to control social situations and succeed with women on a new level.
Back again soon with more Q&A ...
- Carlos & Dean
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